I am constantly caught up in the art that is conversation.
Constantly caught up in the words that are said, and the words that are not said, both yearning toward all that is unsaid.
You know what I mean. When you say almost what you want to say, but don’t say what you really mean to say. When given an opening, and you ache to say one thing, and you don’t, and you say some other thing, that doesn’t quite fit what you meant to say, and then you stutter, and pause…and the moment is lost.
She says things like, “I’m different with you,” or, “I just want you here,” and you ponder (momentarily) your response, before saying, acknowledging, “Yes, I know, yes, but–” because to do more would render your response less than optimal, and god forbid you should do that.
I’ve always been guarded with words. I’ve always payed close attention to the power that words wield. But I find, with her, I am less than guarded, and she often catches me off guard. She is disarmingly forward. And often catches me at moments when I am weakest. Which is more often than not.
This is unusual for me. I am usually always on top of things. I usually have my responses thought out beforehand (think of that what you will, I could care less). But she catches me off guard so often, and I am so often without a suitable response, I revert to, “Oh, um…” which is no response whatsoever.
What it comes down to is the optimal response. It may take me a few moments, but I rally, and when I gather that she requires from me more than a simple Yes or No, I am capable of supplying the response. It takes time, yet she is patient, and I am capable of supplying the emotional response that is basically wrenched from me, to give to her. Is it easy? No. Is it necessary? Yes. It is so very necessary.
Because to hear her voice, to hear the need in her voice, even when she is trying to downplay that need, is so…painful. It’s painful, to hear someone speak to you of something they want, that possibly only you can provide, and you are so distant that you couldn’t possibly…but all you want is to do so.
And so you soothe. And tell her you will be there soon. As soon as you can.
And that you love her. Because you do.